Breaking Stereotypes, Not Spirits: The Abstinence Expert Helping Black Women Take Back Their Power
In a culture where everything from music videos to midnight scrolling dares us to move faster, love quicker, and cross lines we’re not always ready to cross, Melanie L. Brown stands in a lane all her own. Her story isn’t born out of shame or fear — it’s born out of intention. Discipline. And a deep spiritual grounding.
Melanie calls herself a “virgin/abstinence expert,” and she can back it up. She has four decades of lived experience navigating love, dating, pressure, loneliness, joy, and the everyday realities of choosing not to have sex until marriage. Her new book, My Life Without Sex: A 40 Year Old Virgin Shares How to Set Boundaries to Wait for Sex, is part memoir, part survival guide, and part cultural mirror — inviting people, especially young Black adults, to rethink what waiting actually means.
She wants readers to understand something simple: if you want to wait, if you want to slow down, if you want to set your own pace — you’re not alone. And you don’t have to stumble through the journey the hard way.
Melanie takes readers through the “good, the bad, the ugly, and the blessings” of her choice — from awkward dates to narrow escapes, from spiritual breakthroughs to the lessons she wishes someone had handed her when she was younger. The book digs into practical tools: how to set boundaries with your eyes, ears, thoughts, and social circles; how to avoid situations that pull you off track; and how to keep your mind anchored when the culture around you pushes the opposite direction.
She jokes about her “goofy 40-year-old virgin self,” but the humor doesn’t hide the seriousness of the message. Her stories, as she says, aren’t only about laughing or crying — they’re about learning. And she gives God credit for carrying her through all of it.
For many Black women especially, Melanie’s stance is an act of rebellion. Not against pleasure, but against stereotypes — the ones that say Black women must always be hypersexual, reckless, or defined by relationships gone wrong. Her book is an offering to anyone who wants to reclaim agency over their body, their choices, and their timeline.
My Life Without Sex is available now on Amazon Kindle and in paperback. Melanie L. Brown is currently booking interviews, and she plans to host her in-person book release next month in Chicago. Click here to purchase.
Below is our one-on-one conversation:
ONE-ON-ONE INTERVIEW WITH MELANIE L. BROWN
How have your views on sex, dating, and self-worth evolved over the years, especially in a culture that often glamorizes the opposite of abstinence?
I have been especially thinking that I have been focusing my attention in the right direction. Everyone is expected to be a certain way in society. Be overly sexualized. Especially black women, we are expected to be sexy, have multiple baby daddies and multiple children. I refused to be a stereotype just to fit in. Being a rebel makes you stand out more. I rather be a rebel in this trendy culture today to help other rebels. We need to break the stereotypes. We can be multiple types of people.
What would you say had the biggest impact on your decision to remain abstinent—was it your faith, guidance from your parents, not finding the right partner, or your views on marriage?
My faith was definitely my biggest impact in my decision to remain abstinent. My family too was another initially because I am the oldest of 6. Five girls and one boy. Two of my siblings said if I could wait they could too. Yes, not finding the right person, meaning my husband yet as well. I want to wait until marriage for sex. Some people who know that I am waiting too constantly need advice from me throughout the years. I don’t want to let them down or myself. I want to see this goal through.
In your journey, were there particular moments or relationships that tested your commitment to abstinence, and how did your faith and boundaries help you stay on course?
Definitely, I had like three or four relationships/interactions that tempted me to almost be curious enough to want to give in. But God. I had ways of escape and didn’t live in the moment. I always tend to think about what would things be like after sex if I just lived for the moment.
What advice do you have for parents or community leaders who want to support young people—especially in Black communities—in embracing abstinence or celibacy as a healthy lifestyle choice?
The community and parents should tell young people about all the alternatives to intimacy. Intimacy is more than just sex. Give them the option to know that not having sex is an option indeed. Even if it seems everyone is having sex. Here is a blueprint for those who may not be ready for sex. Some people having sex aren’t even ready for sex. They don’t realize the nature and spiritual components that come with it. The possible diseases that can be a result of it. My book can be a blueprint for an abstinence alternative lifestyle or until they are ready to loose their virginity. I didn’t have a blueprint so I wanted to provide others with something I didn’t have during this journey. It can also help those who have had sex and want to now try waiting until they are ready again. Purchase your book today. Click here.